Someday soon, very very soon, when I accept my honorary PhD in Stingy and Fair-Weather Philanthropy from my alma mater for being really rich and famous in whatever it is that will get me there, although in the speech introducing me it will be clear the degree is really for conforming to every lame stereotype of my generation as I did it, I am going to get up in front of all of those--at that point--absurdly entitled children whose parents all had Campbell's stock or government jobs or owned McDonald'ses during the Great Depression of 2009--and say that all I have thought about since I graduated was laundry. Oh, and TV. There will be nervous laughter, uncomfortable twitters...an upset "hey!". But those who know...will know. After that I will launch into a long, digressive speech of occasional merit regarding the state of air conditioning that day, the campus' lack of ADA compliance, why Timothy Black (names changed) didn't have the hots for me freshman year, how I wish Frida's haircolor could have settled down during ABBA, hey how about when Clinton was here that one time, do you guys still have those chicken sammchs? but that will be my big point. It's all about laundry.