stages of a really bad blind date

• shock oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy
  
• clamped-down desire to laugh that is partly social anxiety I need to find somewhere to giggle - I have to go to the Ladies' and giggle
• desire for audio-visual documentation this feels like a movie - this is a movie - the view from my eyes right now is from a movie montage of bad dates - I need a camera - I need a better cell phone - I need a texting plan - nobody is going to believe this
• panic how am I going to get through this - I am trapped - I want to gnaw my foot off
• first soft-pedaled reference to made-up significant other about to re-enter the dating picture "Well, my ex showed up again recently..."
• anger why do I have to sit through this? why am I saddled with this person?
• obsessive focus on unfortunate physical detail shaving soap on chin shaving soap on chin
  
• pity ungh
• genuine but stiff-arming politeness that belies core rudeness and reveals nothing about yourself "Tell me more about your ____"
• second reference to made-up significant other "I'm not sure what's going to happen there..."
• silent effort at commiserative connection with waitstaff by signaling deeply with eyes help help help
  
• emotional disassociation from alarming personal detail omg he collects used emery boards and Mork suspenders ... la la la
  
• SUDDEN EXPANSIVE SENSE OF FATALISM AND HUMANITY'S INTER-CONNECTEDNESS what the bloody hell, this is just some person I'm sitting across from - why am I taking any of this personally - EGO ego ego ego - who am I to insult with my pity - stop acting fourteen years old - oh ego ego ego ego ego
• loss of memory about reason for being there accompanied by receding sense of risk I can survive talking to this person a little longer
  
• sense of breathing room as end in sight they are bringing the check - I am going to make it
• stinging moment of rejection that is mercifully vague he just figured out I don't want to see him again gah gah gah...la la la
  
• loss of memory of date's name
  
• relieved glee as you are sprung "Taxi!"
• another surge of hilarity hee!

followed by

• WHAT THE HELL