Attending:
Large human. That is me.- Cat No. 1 -
Ursula Holepunch Entropinatrix Tamny - Cat No. 2 -
Hermione Polly-Dactyl Perfidia Tamny
Remarks (mine):
Thanks for coming.
I have several talking points this evening, and this speech could take two, two-and-a-half minutes. So sit the fuck down.
First of all, cut out that shit with the pushpins. There are 500 cat toys lodged under my furniture; go dig those out and play with them instead. You do this one more time--you stand on your hind paws and pull pushpins off my bulletin board with your teeth, then chase them around and leave them on the floor for me to step on one more time--and I'm handing you back to the shelter. Yeah, I said it, I might cry two tears in a bucket. Fuck it.
About those cat toys: it takes two to play fetch, and I am tired of the all taking and no giving. Go get the toys, or they stay under the furniture until we move.
Secondly, stop thinking of your anus as a way to express any of your feelings. If you have something to say, learn English and speak up, but don't use your butt to say it.
Thirdly, I have wanker's elbow from spending two hours Allen-wrenching together your new fugly Cat Condo. This means that not only is my arm sore, but my living space now voluntarily contains a piece of "furniture" covered in carpet and sisal. You better use this thing, because if you don't it's not like I can let houseguests sleep on the little platforms instead. Enjoy it. Get up there and watch the seagulls. Watch the neighbors fight and grill.
To each of you individually:
Hermione: stop shedding so much.
Ursula: stop bolting your food.
To both of you:
I hope you find it as alarming as I do that Whisker Lickin's Tender Moments Chicken Flavor Soft & Delicious cat treats smell just like Bac-Os. But I also hope they continue to influence your behavior, because they are the only tool I have. Oh--and--stay out of the bathroom when I'm in it. Nothing to do with you.
Lastly, I am really enjoying that thing you do, Ursula, when you land on top of Hermione. Way cute, keep doing that.It's 2010--let's make this a great year, ladies. You cute lil fuckheads.
NO REBUTTALS.
2 comments:
I came back to read this again. Hi-larry-us.
And I just have to mention-your word verifications are always so strange. Today's word verification to leave a comment? "bigrat"
they are still misbehaving dreadfully, the sweet little fuckers. the battle continues.
bigrat!! Hehehe...I like that :)
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