Friday, June 15, 2007

Fud Network Ramblings

Yes, I know; PBS has better shows, why bother. Eh, I dunno. It's a little like watching a soap opera, I think. Cast of regulars, can-you-believe-what-they're-wearing, who'z zoomin what...

* To watch Fud Network is to hear WAY too often the Guy Clark/Emmylou Harris song "I Don't Love You Much, Do I," as part of the Nature's Own bread commercials. GAHHHH. This song is scrapin' the inside of my cranium. It is a actually a testament to why we need jingles. The song is so overblown, so heavy with meaning far way and beyond Bread, so freighted with bathos in this context, that it just hurts. Makes that 30-second spot so soggy you wince.

If you are desperate need of hearing the song/seeing commercials MORE than every 22 minutes, try here.

* Also aurally: The Molto Mario themesong is really almost unbearable. What made anybody think people'd wanna hear that in and out of commercials like that? Screechy horrid.

* Craziest shit on FN these days? The promos for GIADA IN PARADISE. I searched high and low for a recording of it--I wish I could show it here. The point is that it is not just hah-hah "porny," but actually your basic Playmate promo. The last 10 seconds...Giada lookin sideways into the camera wearing a bikini in an infinity pool, the soft fade to the "Giada in Paradise" logo, the hushed voiceover, the driving music, the vague hint of Sport Illustrated swimsuits in the's just so freakin NAKED. What they're selling. I don't know what do say about it except the obvious. (What Would Julia Do?) This Life cover of her gives something of the flavor of it.

* Sandra Lee only gets worse, the more you watch, but I'm starting to be amused at the fearless way in which she sloshes her sweety-sweet alcohols together. That's right, gawd, we all need a drink.

* There is a lot to note about the whole Duff Goldman thing, but I just must say...I dunno how much longer I can stand that Brazilian/landing strip on his chin. It works with other aspects of his face/facial hair design to make him look a lil too Tim Burton. Not to mention it reminds me a little of fat girls wearing vertical stripes in a vain hope to look smaller; he has a lovely round face--this up-and-down stripe just highlights it, rather than making it Go Away.

* I haven't watched any of the three New Food Network Star competitions--tolerance for such things way low. I have, however, watched the shows that resulted from them. This has probably been commented on tons before, but it's very hard not to contrast the two--the chummy gay Hardy Boy partners with the hopelessly het Guy Fieri. Fieri's show (racing stripes on fridge, pinball games, wristbands, "buddies" in the background) just screams...WELCOME HETEROSEXUAL MEN. And the Hardy Boys show...allowed to be fussier, burdened a bit by the unavoidable back-and-forth twixt the principal dudes, very Catery. I actually have come to kinda like Fieri, schtick/hopeful catch-phrasing/etc. aside. It's not all new, but what he does provide is decent specificity and focus on technique at times.

* The all-day patter on this station is beyond moribund, no matter how many on-like-donkey-kongs you hear. So tired of listening to Emeril mispronounce things. And R. Ray say "that thing that makes you go HMMM" about nutmeg. That is a lot of times to say that whole exact same sentence, over and over. I can deal with thyme always being "lemony" and cumin always being "smoky," but I'm completely all outta patience for that RRay-cum-Arsenio line. And I Garten's nervy twitter.

Gotta go watch Fud Network.


Clover said...

celeste used bake for hearty boys, didja know? in fact, i dropped off a delivery there last summer.

Demandra said...

They're canceling Mario's show, did you know? It's all about the cute and little now. Not some balding fat dude. Bye bye!

RR makes me scream. Can't stand her (I get to watch the FUD network when I go to the coffee shop next door). And WHY does the "Barefoot Contessa" keep smiling that totally fake smile at me? Freaks me out.

PBS=way better, tru dat. But I actually go to the coffee house just to watch the FUD N. Freaky.