The accused stand before you:
- URSULA HOLEPUNCH ENTROPINATRIX CHUBSTER HOTTER SEALCUB BEARCUB BRRRRAP TAMNY, hereafter known as URSULA
and
- HERMIONE POLLY DACTYL COTTONBALL POPTOGETHER HEADBONK HAIRNIBBLER PERFIDIA TAMNY, hereafter known as HERMIONE
Accused of the most grievous and heinous crimes of laundry molestation.
The laundry tribunal here collected states before God and all:
WHEREAS
The crime of illegal occupation--known commonly within law-enforcement communities as "squatting"--of the laundry basket of Elizabeth M. Tamny ("the humanplaintiff"), despite repeated requests to vacate the premises, cease and desist letters, restraining orders from local and federal authorities; a crime repeated with insouciant disdain, indeed in this case a certain determined habituation flying in the face of the owner's desires--is a most devastating and increasingly upsetting phenomenon for the humanplaintiff.
WHEREAS
The results of said "squatting" are almost as distressing to our plaintiffhuman as the misguided illegal occupation itself; that is, the seemingly impossibly complex weaving of the hairs of the forementioned accused, URSULA and HERMIONE, into the variety of fabrics appearing in the laundry of the humanplaintiff, which require extreme, impossibly vigorous laundering to remove; in fact, laundry technology and skill in many ways unequal to the task at hand and in fact highlighting the extreme nature of the nassy pernicious hair invasion. It just don't get out. Even with many spins of the dryer, that is to say, many hard-won quarters of the plaintiffhuman dropped into the dryer at great inconvenience for harsh dessicating air that does little but weave the encroaching hairs more tightly into the violated fabrics.
THEREFORE
We conclude that due to the hideous, irredeemable nature of these crimes, and the accused's distinct lack of interest in both rehabilitation or apology for their repeated affronts, we ask that a penalty of no less than FIVE YEARS in JUVENILE FELINE DETENTION be imposed; furthermore, that at least THREE of those years be spent in pursuit of advanced laundry techniques and be proven so in no less than TWO written tests, ONE on-site demonstration of technique, as well as a court-supervised letter of apology to the humanplaintiff. At this time, if the plaintiffhuman agrees, supervised temporary visits may be allowed, but only up to and as such time as it is agreed the proper remorse and commitment to recovery is demonstrated.
May god have mercy on your last-nerve-workin fur-flyin souls.
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