"And there's a nice little book on Picasso for you Laura."
Courtesy, Then and Now (from Punch)
From the website The Art of Arthur Watts
Mona looked away. "He made me feel like such a damned fool."
"Oh, Mona, we're all damned fools! Some of us just have more fun with it than others. Loosen up, dear! Don't be so afraid to cry...or laugh, for that matter. Laugh all you want and cry all you want and whistle at pretty men in the street and to hell with anybody who thinks you're a damned fool!" She lifted the wineglass in a toast to the younger woman. "I love you, dear. And that makes you free to do anything."
"I've got a Salisbury steak and a Swiss steak. Who gets the Salisbury steak? Okay then, you'd be the person to ask: which one is it? [Puts plate down] Enjoy your, uh, thing."
-- Roseanne's first day as a waitress at Rodbell's.
"What was once the cradle of our love is now landfill."
-- Roseanne and Dan toast their old mattress at the Lobo.
"No matter how much we try to control what our kids do, at some point they are just gonna do what they're gonna do. They are like people that way."
"I'm making your dad's favorite tuna casserole. I know. It's god-awful, isn't it? And especially the way I make it."
"How could he do anything like that, he's not even home. So, where'd you find it? All right, so just put it in a bag, and I'll bury it when I get there."
-- More never-explained weird behavior from DJ.
"Guilt is a many-splendored thing."
-- Roseanne to Jackie, after Dan comes home with a late Valentine's Day present.
"Why are your words. So. Halting."
-- Jackie, doing community theater, prompted by Roseanne from behind the scenes.
-- Jackie to Darlene, suddenly dropping her chaperone persona, after breaking up a fight between two boys fighting over Darlene.
Dan: Too thick, Beck?
Becky: I think I just broke a rib.
-- Dan and Becky make up after a fight by having milkshakes.
Kathy: Well, so long as you are admitting that you are wrong.
[Barr takes takes almost 10 amazing seconds to respond, bobbing her head to keep from lashing out, eating her words.]
Roseanne: It's Saturday night, it's 2:00 a.m. and Becky's not home from her date yet...what do you do?
Jackie: Okay. Am I home from my date yet--where am I?
-- Jackie and Roseanne are going over theoretical questions about what to do if Jackie inherits the kids. Metcalf has so many amazing moments like this, when she does a huge amount with her lines.
Dan: I remember when I first found that bike. Just a rusted-out piece of junk. But I saw the potential. I took it back to the shop--pounded out the dents--chromed it--repainted it--
Roseanne: Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring. Get to the part where I smoked the guy into buying it.
-- Roseanne and Dan gloat over a check after finally selling a cycle.
"I'm 36 years old. I've got flabby arm and pelican neck, and all my houseplants are dead and no one loves me, but what difference does that make anyway, because everything in my life sucks!"
-- Jackie, flailing to explain a dumb decision to sleep with Arnie (Tom Arnold).
[the phone rings]
Roseanne: Darlene, it's for you.
Darlene: Who is it?
Roseanne: It's Marcy.
Darlene: What's she want?
Roseanne: I don't know what she--[getting mad, throwing phone across floor] She wants you to pick up the phone.
"You look like that Fonzie fellow who's so popular."
-- Becky's grandmother (Estelle Parsons) to Becky's boyfriend, Mark (Glenn Quinn). Great episode, with extremely realistic, territorial conflict between Dan and his mother-in-law.
"I'm nervous, honey."
-- Dan, worried about having sex with Roseanne after her breast reduction surgery.
"Is that so."
-- Dan, smirking at Jackie, who worries that he won't be able to eat on camera for a Rodbell's commercial if he's eating now too.
"Listen, Darlene. What I would do, or Mr. X. would do, is not the point. You're asking me what you should do, right? Well, let me put it this way: You have never in your life done anything just to please somebody else. Why start now?"
-- Dan's advice to Darlene, who is asking him how to handle a boy who's interested in her.
Roseanne: I would never have moved in with no guy so damn fast.
Jackie: Maybe you wouldn't, but this isn't you, it's me, and there's a real easy way to tell us apart. [Gesturing] You -- me. YOU -- ME.